男生宿舍
那个山坡上的大洋房,住着我小时候特别的回忆。
阳光普照,理应热气四散,房子里却很凉。大家都在吃着午饭,门外传来一阵引擎声,挂着碎花窗帘的铁门打开。那是阿强入宿的第一天。他比补习用的桌子高一个头,身形如橡皮筋般瘦,皮肤蜡黄,留了一个榴莲头,眼神凶恶。以一个同龄的男生来说,其实还算正常。
男生宿舍长幼有序。他六月份生日,比我大几天。依照惯例,我叫他强哥。
强哥来自单亲家庭,母亲对他关爱有加,大概是觉得是亏欠吧,强哥手里总握着一些一般小朋友渴望却没有的玩具。那年夏季出的彩色Gameboy,他口袋里就藏了一台漆黄色的。
补习桌边的小朋友,都对强哥身后至佳的站岗虎视眈眈。墙上的旧式时钟显示六点,一群弟弟凑在强哥后面。强哥徐徐拿出Gameboy,打起电动。我站到了好位子,就在他背后,直望过他脖子。脖子一团黑一团灰,很脏。电动的彩色画面生动,很诱人。
强哥就这样玩着,没有说话。
他住进来的一个多月后的一天,六点钟,他如同往常拿出Gameboy在玩,我又站在他背后。他玩一阵,转过头问我:“你想玩吗?”
“想!”
他把另一张灰色塑料制的无靠背椅子拉到他身旁,让我坐下来,坐在他旁边,玩他的Gameboy。
第二天,下午三点,补习的时间。阳光照得屋外的草地一片绿意盎然。我坐在同一张灰色塑料制的无靠背椅子上,桌上的数学作业一点都不想碰。
一双手压在我肩膀上,有人贴靠在我的背,感觉被什么东西触按了两下,耳边传来了细声的一句话:“别告诉别人噢……”。是强哥的声音。
他走到我正对面的位子,坐下。他的身影逆着光。光,很刺眼。眼神,我看不懂。我真的不懂。
(书写几乎已经找到让人舒服的节奏,叙述和用词可再仔细斟酌,结尾含糊但不够暧昧,恐怕也会让读者看不懂。--润饰了一些词语,本想加添一个嘴唇的动作,让情愫更有想象。)
Friday, January 29, 2010
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i like the idea sean is trying to bring across and the title “男生宿舍” is very apt. 我想,若能将强哥(名字也取得挺有趣/意味的)所作的行为进行多些描写,或许会更刺激、更有画面感。
ReplyDelete老大:
ReplyDelete我不是很明白为什么要加嘴唇动作。我本来想说十来岁的小男生应该不懂。可是又想起你平时都鼓励我们要think out of the box。所以想问为什么你最后决定不加进去呢?
p.s:你的comment真的有点深。可不可以考虑写白一点,造福中文能力比较不到家的我们?呵呵。
to tian:
actually, it's real story of me staying in boys' hostel when i was young. i think i still can't 跳脱 like what 老大 wants us to. which is why whenever i reach the crux, it sounds confusing, unsatisfying. oh well, shall work harder. and thanks. :)
okaes it apparently is not a v good experience >.<
ReplyDeletebut in my pov, i jus feel that it'll be better if there's clearer description somehow? cos its a bit getting there but 没搔到痒处,not v clear as to what 强哥is trying to do...
jiayous (:
tian: hahaha! i had no idea and don't want to have an idea. don't worry, i get the drift. i shall learn to let imagination run WILD. ^^
ReplyDeleteyou jiayous too~ ^^
呵,其实读完后会觉得强哥对你有点暧昧诶...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete十岁左右的我不懂。其实,现在也并没有很懂。毕竟研究酷儿(queer)题材的作品跟了解酷儿思维之间还是有一条鸿沟的。请问xinn是? :)
ReplyDeletehahas i jus realised that this blog is addictive! i keep coming back for updates lol! actually i'm thinking of all sorts of weird things that 强哥might have been wanting to do :S i guess Xinn is 学姐?
ReplyDelete其实强哥对你有没有意思并不重要啦,你能写出这种暧昧(有意或无意地)倒让文章更玩味了。
ReplyDelete甜甜:我也这么觉得
yea, 昕=xinn :)
所谓『嘴唇』即是一个类似轻吻的动作。文末的『不懂』,应该是针对这个动作的意思(he likes me/man, he likes me.man not?),而不是到底这个是什么动作。
ReplyDeletei see.. i didn't plan this, but now that you mentioned it, i thought the part where he breathed words into my ears looked enough like a lip act, perhaps to the reader? i know! lack of description! argh!!!!!
ReplyDeletebut anyway, thank you very much for taking time to reply. it's VERY much appreciated :)